Title says it all. There’s nothing worse than spending 9-10 hours a day doing something you have no interest in. Blech.

Ack, it’s been a week since my last confes.. last update. Better bring things up to date.

I was sick last Friday and over the weekend, so not much happened worth talking about. At the same time, we were moving our servers from one data center to another, and since I was home sick when the move happened, things did not go well. I came in to work on Monday to find that one site had been down all weekend, search wasn’t working on the other, and two servers hadn’t been reconfigured.

Suffice to say, work’s been fairly hellish this week. 🙂

But, next week, I’m on vacation! Not going anywhere special, but still, a chance to chill out is very welcome.

Game-wise, I’ve been renting a bunch of games from Blockbuster, though none worth noting. I became obsessed with Warcraft III and played through the campaign of that. It’s a tribute to the game that when I was done, I still wanted more. And now, this week, I’ve started a new character in Dark Age of Camelot… a highlander mercenary on the Nimue server.

Suddenly, I’m enchanted again.

So that brings us up to date. Oh, I’ve gone back to reading that D&D book, The Ice Crystal or The Enchanted Crystal or The Enchanted Ice or whatever it is… I needed something to read that wouldn’t keep me up at night, and this is doing the trick quite nicely. Got Parke Goodwin’s Robin and the King on deck, though!

Why do so many people look forward to summer? What the hell is pleasant about this weather? It’s like you need a knife and fork to cut chunks out of the air to breath in. I just don’t get the appeal at all.

“OK, so where are all the fascinating posts?” you ask. I know, I know… you all live vicariously through me, don’t you?

Well, summer is here, and I’m trying not to be such an A/C whore this summer. Last summer, I don’t think I ever left the house, except to go to (air conditioned) work. So far, that means basically walks in the park.. heh, I have to ramp up to such radical things as *gulp* going somewhere.

Haven’t been doing any neat tech stuff, and the books I’ve been reading have all been shite, so no use in reporting on those.

I bought the g/f a new inkle loom for her birthday, and I bought myself a small one. Yes, I do have a penis. Yes, I do like doing textile stuff now and then. Actually, it’d probably only be US citizens that would even raise an eyebrow.

So anyway, I’ve been doing a bit of weaving, which I find incredibly soothing. Inkle looms have no moving parts and are only good for doing straps, which is both limiting, and sorta freeing. I don’t have to fret about taking on some huge project because the little inkle loom I’m using can’t do big projects.

But what was most fun about this, is that its spun off some satelite projects. There are some small wooden hand tools that make this kind of weaving easier. The g/f has a few she bought, but really they are *very* simple and it seemed silly to buy more, so she went out and bought a few thin-stock ebony and cocobolo (spelling?) boards and asked me to make more tools.

So yesterday, I dragged out all my tools and tried to remember what I used to know about woodworking. And found that dealing with these small items (the stock is only 1/8 inch thick) means that all my old knowledge is damned near useless. And living in an apartment doesn’t help… it ain’t like I got a table saw in here. 🙂

In the end, I went out and sat in the park with some roughed out stock, a carving knife, and some sandpapger, and made something at least in the ballpark of what we need. I gotta check it againt her originals before I put the finishing touches on.

But I tell ya, after all the time I’ve spent doing everything I do in cyberspace, sitting out in the park, the sun shining down, carving a piece of ebony into a tool… man, it was a damned near religious experience for me.

Been pretty quiet around here, eh? Well, I’ve been busy doing a lot of mundane things, but with a goal. A wise woman once told me that in order to create, I needed to welcome my muse. If that’s a bit too touchy feely for you, another way of looking at it is, if you’re struggling with your environment, it’s hard to be creative. So, I’ve been spending some time carving out bits of sanity in the chaos that is my apartment. I started with my bed, oddly enough. I cleaned up the heaps and piles of scattered books and magazines that used to surround it, and got a nice bookshelf within easy reach where I can put the things I’m actively reading, plus room for a notepad and my iBook. And I’ve made a pledge to myself to make my bed every morning. Simple enough changes, but I find I’m reading a lot more now. I can flop down on the bed and grab a book without a second thought. It’s an inviting area to me now.

Yesterday, I rearranged my computer desk. I broke down a few systems I really don’t use (how often does one really *need* to use a Sun Ultra-5?) and cleared the desk of extraneous debris. I left the PC ready for gaming, but what I was really going for was easy access to the Mac (OS X being my preferred computing platform). I’m still getting things squared away (progs upgraded, stuff installed that wasn’t) but already I’m starting to mess with Real Basic which is something I’ve been meaning to do for a year. (Yeah, I know, I should be doing something more ‘serious’ than Real Basic, but right now my goal is fun and quick results.)

I’m not done with the mundane stuff… there’s the whole living room area, plus I wouldn’t mind getting the kitchen to where I don’t hate the idea of making food… but it’s really funny how doing these seemingly very simple things can really clear your head and motivate you.

I’m blogging all these thoughts for myself, really. When I’m down if I read through my archives, maybe this post will be the kick in the ass I need to pull myself out of a funk.

I’d love to attribute this to the original author, but I have no idea where it came from:

——-

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is
backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A
quick move by Vader, chops off Luke’s hand! It goes
spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He
looks around, but realizes there’s nowhere to go but straight
down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to
your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No, Luke… I am your father!

Luke: No. It can’t be. That’s not true. That’s impossible!

Darth Vader: Search your feelings Luke… you know them
to be true.

Luke: NOOoooo!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true… and you know what else?
You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes… Threepio… I built him… when I was 7
years old.

Luke: No! … Wait, huh?

Darth Vader: Seven years old. And what have you done?
Look at yourself. No hand. No job. And you couldn’t even
levitate your own ship out of the swamp…

Luke: But… I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: But that was when you were 20! When I was
10, I single-handedly destroyed an entire Trade
Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it’s not my fault…

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go… “Poor me… my father never
gave me what I wanted for my birthday… boo hoo, my
daddy’s the Dark Lord of the Sith… Nobody loved me…
waahhh wahhh!”

Luke: Shut up!

Darth Vader: You’re a slacker! By the time I was your age,
I had already exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar’s Canyon.

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor… 10 years
old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open… the only human to
ever fly a Pod Racer… right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong… You’re not my kid… I don’t
know whose you are, but you sure ain’t mine.

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges
down the shaft. Darth Vader looks down after him.

Darth Vader: And get a haircut!

Beautiful day out today and I *gasp* actually went outside. I really need some outdoor activities to get me in the fresh air more often. In this case, it was as simple as walking to the grocery store to get something to eat. But its amazing what fresh air and sunshine does for your mindset. Problem is, just taking a walk with no meaningful destination seems like a waste of time to me.

Anyway, did some pondering while walking and realized that I really don’t hate what I do (see last blog entry). I just hate where I’m doing it. In fact, I really enjoy developing things I can take pride in, but where I work the developers are just tools to be pointed at things to do. Often… incredibly often… we’re pointed at stupid things, or only given time to do things half-assed (after which we get pointed at the half-assed things that have now broken and need fixing). Basically, there is no management there, and that’s what I hate about it. They waste my (and everyone else’s) time, then they complain that nothing significant ever gets done.

They say the recession is over (though it doesn’t look that way to me) so maybe there’ll be better jobs coming along soon. I’ll hope that’s true.

I watched The Great Escape for the first time today. What a great movie! That’s another head-clearer… losing yourself in a film like that. All good stuff.

Today was a pretty OK day.

[Begin self indulgent whining…]
Gak… what a crappy week I had. Work absolutely sucks these days. I hate what I do, I don’t take any pride in the product and, oh yeah, I hate what I do. Which is really odd since a year ago today, I absolutely LOVED what I do, and what I do hasn’t changed. I think I’m just not cut out for staying in one job very long.

Anyway, this week was a series of ‘task force’ meetings, each about a different segment of the business. They cumulated in a 9:30-4:00 ‘summit meeting.’ So I spent like 20 hours in meetings this week, and y’know what came out of that? Not a damned thing! Only thing I hate worse than my work is sitting in pointless meetings all day.

Then, on the home front, there’s been this ugly squabble going on in the forum of my other site. I hate flame wars with a passion. I especially hate them when I can’t just walk away. This forum has been running just shy of 5 years, and we’ve had 4 flame wars. Two in the last month or so.

The place is rotting from the inside out, but I seem to be the only one who sees that. From a tight-knit group of friends having a good old jawing session about games or books or movies or whatever, it’s turned into this tense room full of people who’ve woken up to realize they don’t know who their friends are. Why?

I’m not sure, but I think we hit this level of comfort in the ‘old days’ that folks opened up more than they usually would. And when they did, they found that their pals were “The Enemy.” Right-wing conservatives found out the guy they’d been playing Everquest with for 2 years is a left-wing ultra-liberal. The Israeli fellow with the passion for flight sims found out his wing man is a Palestinian. (These are, of course, made up examples, and more extreme than the reality.)

I don’t think we can ever get things back to the way they used to be… “you can’t go home again” and all that rot… time will tell, I suppose.

Today was a gorgeous day and I had a list of chores as long as my arm. I managed about 2 of them. Otherwise I kept checking the forum to see if it’d blown up in a conflagration (spelling?) or putzing around playing some pointless game or another.

I really need to come up with some activity that gets me outdoors. I’ve been thinking seriously of moving out to the ‘burbs. I bet I could find a little cottage somewhere for what I pay for a crappy studio in Cambridge. I really miss having a garden. I miss having a grill outdoors. I just miss having a yard.

Christ, I think I’m homesick…

Two tangentially related thoughts are entwining in my brain like a pair of sea otters at play.. they haven’t quite come together yet, but something is Wrong.

First, on the way to work, I gazed out over some hills at a forest and I thought to myself, “How long has it been since I walked in anything that could be remotely considered ‘wilderness.?”

Second, coming home from work, I saw a woman out walking her dog. She was over on the sidewalk (this is Cambridge..there are ALWAYS sidewalks) but she had on one of these fluorescent bibs that people put on so as not to be run down by traffic as they run or bike. But I mean… she was way off on the sidewalk. And all I could think was, this woman had to don her ‘safety gear’ to walk her freakin dog!!

Why are we all so afraid?

What a long, stupid day. I took the day off from work so I could get going on a few projects I’ve been meaning to do. Woke up, plopped on the couch and there I stayed for most of the day. I watched a lot of tv, putzed around with some console games, read a lot of email and surfed around pointlessly. The Other Half said this was all a Good Thing as I’ve been totally exhausted and stressed from work lately. But I can’t help thinking I wasted an entire day…

I did log into Camelot for the first time in a few weeks. Worked on my Hunter a bit, killing fire flowers in Muspelheim. Died twice… careless once, and bad random numbers the other time. It all felt rather pointless though… it felt like random numbers. For some reason, the adventure has gone out of Camelot for me. Well, the game owned me for 6 months, so maybe this is a good thing.

Still, my heart yearns for some bold new adventure… I’m still slogging my way through LotR and, as much as I’m enjoying it, it isn’t the same as when I first read it. I’m much less wide-eyed and innocent now than I was then, I suppose.

I need something, though… a really good RPG (been looking for one since we finished FFX) or a really good book series or just a great movie. Some kind of fantastical adventurous escape to heal my raw soul… and maybe to coax my muse back from wherever she’s run off to.