My wife wants sex.

I know this to be true because it says so right there on her status sheet. “Wants sex.” The words mock me every time I check up on her, because since the night of our wedding, I’ve been unable to perform.

I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong. The mood is right: the woman couldn’t love me more. I’ve bought us a fancy new double bed so there’s plenty of comfy space to romp around in. I even bought a book on seduction that taught me a smooth “Come hither” move that is supposed to lure women into bed. I tried it on the wife and she giggled and happily followed me to the bedroom but then, again, everything fizzled and she started pointing out the window and saying “Let’s go over there.” ‘There’ being, in her case, the docks, which she loves. Maybe she’s into doing it in public??

In the meanwhile, every time I go into Bowerstone women are throwing themselves at me. It gets a tad annoying, to be frank. What kind of adventurer do they think I am!!? I’ll admit some of them are better dressed than my wife, and their plunging necklines can be somewhat enticing, but I’m a married man, for pity’s sake!!

In other news, I committed my first crime, albeit via misunderstanding. I went into a Tailor’s home, thinking it was his shop. At first they were very welcoming, but then this gaggle of flirty women walked in behind me. That put the tailor and his wife on edge, understandably. A little girl in the crowd asked for a lollipop. I didn’t have one, but I did have some chocolate, so I gave her some. The Tailor got very angry at that, since the girl was his daughter. What did he think I was trying to do? I got angry in return and growled my fiercest growl at him, which flustered everyone.

At that point I wanted to leave but the doorway was blocked, so I went upstairs hoping the crowd would disperse so I could get the heck out of there. That was the last straw for the tailor’s wife, and she called the sheriff. *sigh*

Well it turns out it was a pretty minor infraction, and I paid my dues via community service. This involved ridding a basement of a gaggle of Hobbes which has infested it. It was actually a good workout, and I even found a bit of treasure down there. I’m tempted to commit a few more crimes just so I can get more community service.

It helps me to work out the frustrations I have involving my wife’s needs.