Couples Counseling for me & 360

XBox 360 and I have had a long and stormy relationship. I first began courting her six months before her coming out soiree. In spite of this early attention, upon her debut her dance card was too full to fit me in. I had to settle for dating her skinny cousin, XBox Core, for a few weeks.

Eventually though, she found her way into my arms, and I took her home with me. The first blush of love is such a heady intoxicant. We spent evening after evening racing around ridges, enjoying each other’s company. In the following months our appetites for adventure grew, and our games became more and more exotic and edgy.

But then something changed in our relationship. I became increasingly aware of how loud she was, and her propensity for scratching disks when angry grew irksome. I had never been a fan of her father, Microsoft, who I still think of as something of an evil empire kingpin.

I confess, I eventually starting seeing another. I met PS3 and she was quiet and elegant. Her interests were not as diverse, I’ll admit, but what we shared was quite enjoyable. And oh! How she loved movies!!

And then one day, 360 refused to budge. I coaxed and prodded her, but nothing I could do would get her going anymore. I sent her off to a clinic, at a cost of $100. She was gone for a solid month and I got used to not having her around. When she finally returned, we were distinctly cool towards each other. She had gotten quieter, and no longer scratched disks when angry, but I was so enraptured with PS3 I found it hard to make time to spend with 360.

Nearly a year passed before I courted her again, inviting her to go with me to Liberty City. At first she seemed more than willing, but then she started freezing up. Liberty City *can* be a frightening place, I’ll admit, so I was understanding, but at the same time I still wanted to see the sights. So I went with PS3 instead, who seemed to love the place.

But I tried once more, inviting 360 on a Lost Odyssey, and again she was happy to begin the journey and again, she froze once we got there. Again and again. Finally I had to admit that she was in some way broken inside. So off I sent her to the clinic again. This time she was only gone a few weeks, but came back looking somewhat battered and old.

Since her return, we’ve done naught but watch each other suspiciously. My friends are sick to death of hearing me complain about her, and I can’t help but feel our relationship is at a crisis. We need to either come to some understanding, or go our own ways.

So I’ve pledged to try one last time. Tonight I am taking her to Albion, which I’m hearing is a very enjoyable place to visit (and is a place that PS3 can never hope to visit; they’d turn her away at the border). I’m hoping 360 will come with me, enjoy the sights and sounds, and not freeze up on me. I’m hoping she won’t scratch any disks. I’m hoping she’ll be quieter than she was. And I’m hoping we have a good time together.

If we do, I’m going to strive to let go of my irritation and embrace her as the source of joy she once was. There’s enough of me to keep two consoles satisfied after all! With a Wii bit left over, in fact.

But if she freezes, or scratches, or carries on in any of her old bad ways, then I’ll be sending her away for good, and she will be dead to me. Griping about her only irritates my friends, and as long as she is sitting there staring at me reproachfully, I’ll never be able to let go of these negative feelings I have for her.

Tonight is all about low lighting, fresh batteries, and exotic adventures. Wish us luck.